Hard News to Swallow...

I'm a failure. There. Now I've said it and maybe now I can get over it and get on with life.

My oldest child has gotten a C- in English and an 'I' for math for second semester. I have officially failed home schoolers everywhere and have added fuel to the proverbial fire against home schooling! No hint of perfectionistic pride there anywhere- no, none at all! Yeah, right!

We won't mention the fact that there were other circumstances that I think helped things get to that place, but the reality is is that I'm the teacher and I haven't gotten the job done. Or have I?

The past few months have been really focused on heart training with my children- something that I don't think my current support teacher truly understands (or at least not the way I do it- or at least that's how it feels). But the bottom line is that I really just didn't know where to go in order to get the info I needed to get the job done, so I kind of avoided doing anything. I'm starting to pick up the pieces (and the pace)- but I'm still struggling with some of it.

But really, emotionally and behaviourally, I think the kids are doing quite well. Are we any where near where I want things to be? Not a chance! So am I really a failure? I think it depends on how you define failure- and for me the only measuring stick that I want to use is the biblical one: Eternity.

I had to do a very deep self-examination of myself and my thoughts/attitudes when I found out the marks- because I was spitting mad about it. Not exactly a Christ-like response. But as I prayed and reflected on the whole situation and the past semester, it was warranted. And where I think the ball really dropped was in the area of communication- or rather poor or lack thereof.

I'm realizing that I don't like conflict and so don't communicate in order to avoid it. Yet that just creates more problems for me to stew about and get my nose all out of joint over. However, that has now complicated my kids' lives- which isn't fair.

So, I'm trying to go to those hard places that I've been working so hard to avoid. I'm being more proactive about searching out the best fits for me and my children where their schooling is concerned (hey, isn't that part of why I started this in the first place anyway?). I'm opening up myself to get hurt- but I'm finding that God is revealing those things before the situation comes up, so they're turning out to be not quite so painful. Thank you God for small mercies!

Am I a failure and have I failed home schoolers everywhere? Not a chance. We are all a work in progress and  as long as we are all moving forward on this journey of life, nobody, anywhere, has any right to label me a failure- and most of all I'm talking to me! ;-)

Floundering....

I'm not sure where the past couple of months have gone. It just seems like yesterday was Christmas and now we're almost at the end of term 2 and approaching spring break! Crazy!

But I feel like I'm floundering- the two steps forward and five steps back seems to have reared it's ugly head. Where there seemed to be breakthroughs now finds regressions- and I'm frustrated. Why can't they just stop with the attitude and just get the work done?

I started reading 'The Heart of Anger' last week. I've only gotten through the first chapter or two- where they put in the list of 25 things parents do to provoke anger in their kids... yeah, let's just say we probably do at least 20+ of them. Every time I'm dealing with something in a child, I can look at my own life and think, 'maybe I should follow my own advice'! No wonder I'm having problems!

I have gotten into more of a routine of who's doing what, where and when and with whom- which seems to have helped. I also found a new math program for my oldest, but the excitement/novelty was gone by day 2. At least he's getting math done every day and I don't have to sit for an hour with him to do it! Definitely going to be using that for the oldest two next year.

My brain is feeling scattered (which you could probably already tell from this crazy post) and I think the kids are too. But maybe we just need a break- I'm not sure.

Anyway, I've got a huge 'to-do list' for tonight and I already just want to go to sleep. So, good night for now!