Nuggets of Gold

I'm not ready for school. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for this year. I want to do things differently this year- mostly meaning I want to finally get things right. But I know it's not going to happen and that makes me sad.

I know all the things that I 'should' be doing in order to have a better year- but I struggle with what I think reality is going to look like. How on earth will I possibly manage to teach 4 kids and keep a preschooler occupied (preferably without the use of a tv)?

I feel unprepared- the school room still looks like a mess to me. I long for a house that looks like those clean, sterile decor magazines with no clutter, minimal furniture and everything in its place. However, as my husband reminds me, I have 5 kids messing things up. Yet I don't feel any grace in this place.

Perfection, from a human standpoint, really is the enemy of life. It steals your peace, your joy, your hope, everything. It sucks everything out of you, yet gives nothing but grief in return. So why is it that we long for it- or maybe it's just me?

The problem extends itself when we put those expectations of perfection on those around us. If only.... becomes a horrible mantra that drives us deeper into despair. So what to do?

Maybe it's not about doing anything. I've been getting a lot of email devotionals about just being lately- and have been thinking that that isn't a random thing, but rather a God thing.

Maybe it's about letting go and dying to self and my expectations so that God can open my eyes to HIS plan, not only for my life- but for those around me (mainly my kids).

Maybe it's about discovering my kids for who they are instead of being annoyed by what they do/don't do.

Maybe it's about discovering who I am in Christ instead of who I think I am- because I really don't like that person all that much.

Maybe I need to learn how to like me again. To stop comparing myself against others and what they have and/or do- that I don't. To mourn and then put away those things that cannot be so that I can embrace fully that which needs to be- so that I will have the abundant life God has promised.

Maybe, just maybe, to learn to be at peace with myself- so that my kids will be at peace with themselves. I know I can't teach that which I haven't learned- and these are things that I want my kids to know. But I think grace is something that must be caught- not taught.

But even in that, maybe my job is just to be obedient to the lessons that I need to learn and let my children 'tag along for the ride', so that they can pick up the nuggets of gold that drop from my life and allow God to help them make them their own.