The Process is Precious- Don't Despise it!

This week marks the end of Term 1. In some ways I thought we were doing pretty good (i.e. volume of work done), but as I was putting together the kids' portfolios- I wasn't so sure.

I can remember late the night before my teacher meeting thinking, "I really hope she doesn't ask me how things are going, because right now, I'm not doing well". Any guesses what her first question was for me?

Getting a bit more sleep last night did help somewhat, but there's something deeper within that's been fueling a discontent within my life for a long time- and it's spewing out my mouth in harsh words and tones. It makes me sad, especially when I see my kids doing the same thing to each other. And then I wonder if maybe they'd be better off at public school where they wouldn't hear it all day (at least not from me).

There's something to be said for choices- choosing what our attitude will be. Over the past few months I've really been trying to think before I speak and decide what tone &/or volume of voice I will use. Sometimes it works. Somedays... well, it's good that God's mercies are new every morning.

Lately I just want to escape. To get away from the incessant 'mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, etc.' and the bickering and the whining- but as I think about it, here I'm doing the exact same thing. So really, what is it?

Maybe there are thoughts and feelings that I've been running away from for a long time. Could it be that? Am I not supposed to be home schooling? Are my expectations of what my kids's behaviour should be out of step with reality? I think about these things and go around and around in circles over them- but nothing ever seems to get resolved.

A while back I realized that I was falling into the pitfall of 'navel gazing' in our home school. Being home all the time, except for church, can really blind you to the outside world. And, like being in Bible School, it's easy to mistake studying the bible for studying the bible. The bible becomes another text book instead of a personal connection to an even more personal God.

You get bogged down in the "have to's" of the day and loose sight of the big picture- the calling to train up your children in the way they should go, so that when they are old they will not depart from it. The process is precious to the Lord, yet I think I've come to despise it. No, not just think I do- I do despise it. My emotional response confirms it. To be angry and focused on what is not instead of being thankful for what I do have. To feel sorry for myself over the thanklessness and insignificance that I feel instead of looking to God for HIS approval and significance.

I need to learn how to be ruthless with my sin yet abounding in grace with myself and for those around me- especially my children. I need to do more than half-baked/sleeping prayers while I try to get more sleep instead of getting up to start the day. I need to have my own, actual personal prayer and devotional time and not pass off our school work as it.

Most of all, I need to change who's driving my life. There are a few outstanding promises that I've been holding out over God's head- and I think I've been using them as my reasons/excuses for keeping myself in the drivers seat. But obviously it's not working- so why am I digging in my heels over this? I guess I'm letting  one of the lessons that I learned as a kid to die a long, hard, slow painful death (you have to look out for yourself because nobody else is going to help you- which is totally not biblical, by the way!).

Or maybe it's finally time to go and sharpen up a hatchet?!?!?!?