I think I might actually like this!

Well, it's been a while since my last post- but usually that's a good thing. I've been busy settling into this whole home school thing and figuring out what works best for our schedule.

I've also been letting go of the whole idea of what school is supposed to look like, and forging my own path. For the most part, things have been pretty laid back since my last post. Monster mommy doesn't show up near as often and things seem more relaxed (or maybe it's just me?).

Figuring out curriculum is proving to be a bit of a challenge- although it has led to some good brain-storming about why we're home schooling in the first place. Since I'm new to home schooling, I thought that getting an 'idiot-proof' step-by-step type curriculum would make things easier. In some ways it is- but in other ways, it's just plain boring. Especially for my grade 3 child. As well, they come with a 'mini-bible lesson'- but it is just that, mini! And really, one of the biggest reasons that I wanted to home school was to deal with my kids' character issues- which isn't happening right now (at least not to the extent/speed I'd hoped for).

I suppose that I could just keep using the same curriculum and come up with my own bible stuff- but I think I might have come across a character unit study program that I want to try. A new friend used it last year with her son and he loved it! So, hopefully I can get my hands on a copy to check it out before buying it to see how much prep work it will take. But I'm thinking that some prep work might equal a more prepared teacher and a better/more interesting lesson....

Did I mention that I'm really enjoying this more relaxed/laid-back lifestyle that we're in now? And, probably even more amazing is that the house isn't looking any/much worse for wear- if anything, we're working harder on it so that there aren't as many distractions while we're doing our home school work!

One thing that I'm looking forward to is the end of the year. It might seem a bit presumptuous to say that when we're not even finished with September, but it isn't really what it seems.

What I want is the ability to say that I have a year of experience under my belt- I'm not new at this and hoping that I'll make it through. I will have made it through a year already if it's June. I will have not only survived but (hopefully) I will have succeeded/thrived. My children and I will be better because of it, and hopefully they'll have an increased love of learning (in addition to actually having learned stuff this year!).

I feel like I'm rambling right now- I haven't been sleeping all that well due to really weird dreams, but at least I'm getting a decent amount of sleep overall. I've discovered that sleep is important to proper functioning ;-) And so speaking of which, I really should try to get to bed sooner rather than later... so for another day.... good night!

Monster Mommy = Monster Kids

Well, we're into the second week of home schooling and honestly- I could have thrown in the towel this week and sent them back to regular school (by last Monday already)!

To say that Monday (and part of Tuesday) was a complete 'monster mommy' day would have been an understatement. Kids weren't listening and I was completely frustrated with the whole process. I figured they'd never pull this kind of attitude/crap with a real teacher, so why were they tormenting me this way? Didn't they know that this was WAY easier for them than going to school for 6 hrs/day and then coming home and still having to do homework yet on top of that? Of course it came with harsh words, only for God to prick my heart with the 'how can you be a safe environment for them to make mistakes and fail while they learn when you're being like this'? Ouch!

It didn't help that my 1 1/2 & 4 yr old were climbing all over/screaming at me trying to get my attention as I was dutifully trying to home school the older two. I was about ready to run screaming from the room myself. Oh, and did I mention that my hubby had the nerve to get on my case about how I was yelling at everyone, while he sat there on the computer surfing the internet? It was like that saying, "I've got one nerve left... and you're standing on it...." kind of moment. Not fun.

So, I decided to do my best to banish 'monster mommy' on Wednesday- with some success. But you know it's one of those things, it comes back to haunt you. Case in point, my 2 older kids- they've been nagging and ragging on each other constantly lately. And my oldest is constantly yelling at everyone- hm, shall we look in the mirror to see what kind of monster I've created with my crappy attitude? How can I 'gentle' that out of him, when it's something that I'm constantly doing?

I've realized that the things that tick us off most in other people, are usually the things that God so desperately wants to rid from our own lives- but because of the log that's there (where we allow our heart to lie to ourselves), we can't see the forest through the trees. It's so easy to look at someone else's life and be able to dissect all their faults and figure out what would 'fix' them- yet how often do we even attempt that in our own lives? The bible says that the heart of a man is inherantly evil and we lie to ourselves about where we're really at because we don't want to know the truth. Only God can reveal the true state of our heart- and thereby bring about the changes that are needed to make us more like Him.

I wonder if I truly have the desire to die to myself- in order to make this year of home schooling work, because that is what it's going to take. It's not about finding the 'right' curriculum (although there is somewhat of a necessity there to actually teach my children), but rather about laying down my perfectionism about what I think this is supposed to be like and what my kids are supposed to be like (and accomplish)- and see what God wants us to become.

In order for my kids to become more like Jesus, I need to be more like Him. In thought, word, works, attitude, etc. Just like they are modelling my 'monster mommy' attitude/disposition more often than not these days (which is incredibly annoying to listen to, to say the least)- I need to become a 'Jesus mommy', so they can see what that looks like- in order for them to become that instead.

I keep thinking about how I'm going to make it through to June. I'm wondering how this will all turn out. Will I screw up my kids? Maybe they'd be better off at school rather than at home with me being frustrated?

But like someone once said, 'if momma ain't happy... than momma needs to change her attitude'. Maybe that will be my mantra for the next while.

I've got issues!

Took my kids for a walk yesterday. I figured I'd kill 2 birds with one stone- I needed to go the bank and we needed to get in our daily requirement of exercise for home school. So, we went for a walk.

Not sure if it was real or imagined, but I swear every single car that passed us was staring at us- and in my mind I'm thinking that they're thinking 'shouldn't those kids be in school?'. I had visions of the police coming to my house to arrest me and apprehend my kids for truancy (and thinking to myself, 'I've got to get a membership in the Cdn home school defense assoc.- before something actually happens')!

I've got issues. Like I said the other day, deciding to home school was an agonizing 6 mth long process- mainly because of my hang-ups about what I thought about home schooling (the parents that did it and what their kids were like). To be honest- I was very judgmental about the whole thing. Yes, God does have a sense of humour! If you don't think so- the fact that I'm now home schooling is all the proof I need....

I've spent the past several months trying to justify to everyone else why we're doing this- and maybe also trying to convince myself that it's all going to be okay. Really, I would say, how can you screw up kids when they're only grade 1 & 3? I think deep down- I fear that I could do it on such a collossal scale as never seen before, that my kids will be ruined for life!

Oh, and then to boot- our home school teacher sent me my grade 1's student learning plan (with daily activities totally about 3 hrs per day)- and I freaked! Everyone had always said that- oh, you should be able to get their stuff done in about 1 1/2 hrs/day- so I haven't been too worried. Now, I'm worried. The 3 hrs was for 1 kid- what about the other one? I'm thinking I don't have 6 undivided hours/day to put into this! AHHHHHHHH!!?!!!?!??!

I need to take a deep breath, and eventually let it out.

I need to remember/figure out why I'm really doing this again. I really don't think there is just one reason. It's like a well cut diamond- multi-faceted and each side shines differently depending on how the light reflects/refracts on it. It's just as much about my kids and their character as it is about me and mine.

Case in point: My older 2 had a blow-up this morning over a Lego dual. As usual #2 stormed off: beat-red faced and in tears. I'm sick of it always ending like this- so voila, teachable moment (while in the back of my mind I'm seeing an IRP that I can meet in this moment- sigh.... pathetic). I call #2 back to the table and we begin to work it out as I wonder if I'm even getting through their thick skulls in any way, shape or form. The situation finally seems diffused- for the moment.

But what about the next moment? And the one after that? I wonder if I'm really up to the task of home schooling- but then again, is it really all that much different than just being an active, involved parent (something which I haven't been very good at)? Time will tell.

Here goes nothing!

Well, September's finally here and I've already 'done' 2 days of homeschooling- if you could call it that ;-) I waffle between thinking that this is the greatest decision I've made in recent memory (when I wake up at 9am and think- 'man am I glad I didn't have to have kids at school already) and 'what on earth am I thinking?' (when my 22 mth old is screaming in my ear while I'm trying to explain common and proper nouns to my gr. 3 child)!

I'm trying to remember why I'm doing this- to find the strength to make it until June. Thinking that I'm just lazy for not wanting to have to get kids out of the house and to school everyday- but then realizing the tremendous amount of work that it takes to home school 2 kids, occupy 2 more kids while expecting #5! Oh, and that doesn't even begin to factor in trying to keep the house clean and laundry done (which isn't a strong point in my life to begin with).

I've had my moments (already in day 1 before I even began my first word as a 'teacher'), where I have questioned why I'm doing this and if I even can manage it all. Or if maybe having some of the kids out of the house every day might bring more harmony (i.e. absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of dribble). Yet I know deep down that's not what they need. Or what I need.

When I started thinking about home schooling (an agonizing 6 mth process- a story for another day), it was more about what I thought my kids needed in terms of their character development. I think the part that's been scaring me lately is the character development that I so desperately need- but would rather ignore.

Personally, I think more often than not I suck as a mother. My friends all then give the usual platitudes to the contrary- but they don't see me yelling at the kids and all the other stupid things I seem to constantly do when nobody else is around. I wonder how I'm going to make it through without 'killing' them or going crazy.

My person devotions have been nearly non-exsistent for quite a while- and I know it's hampering my ability to not loose my marbles. I'm not sleeping well these days, and I know that's part of the problem- but I wonder a lot about how much of that I can really use as an excuse?

I don't know if anyone will ever read this except for me- but I guess hopefully I can make some sense of things as life goes on and track how it goes here on this blog.