Relaxing... A Little Bit...

I guess if I was a bit more regular about writing I wouldn't have to figure out what to start my post out with that doesn't include, 'wow, it's been a while'.

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it might just be more that I'm trying to avoid thinking about some things these days. The 'Truth Project' is still there- I'm sort of avoiding it though. Instead, there are a couple of books that I purchased years ago that I'm finally reading about the power of the tongue and how it really can bring us down when we say negative things. They are very much in line with the 'Truth Project'- so I'm working on it, just in a much different way that I'd planned.

As for school, September/October were great but November/December saw my stamina for getting everyone up early onto our school work by 8 (ish), slow into 8:30 (ish), to 9 (ish). You get the idea. As usual this was starting to frustrate me, but I decided to relax a bit. And, instead of barreling through to the very last moment before Christmas to 'catch-up', I opted for Christmas break instead.

For some time I've been wanting to prepare better or rather more intentionally for special events- or rather 'faith' events (like Christmas and Easter), but haven't really figured out how. I'm very much against the commercialization of all of this stuff, yet I was struck with the thought that somehow even with all the extra trappings we needed to figure out for our family how we were going to find God underneath it all. And I realized that if I plowed my way to Dec. 21st with our school work, we wouldn't have even come up for air and Christmas would be over again for another year and we would have missed it again.

I won't lie to you, we may be stopped school, but I did not get anything put together to make our focus any better. I was just a bit more relaxed. Which, in and of itself, might have been all we (I) needed to do this year. I let the kids off the hook and tried not to count how much time they spent in front of the screens. I puttered away and trying to clean up/organize my house and you know what? I think it's okay.

Now, that's not to say I probably won't have some issues getting them back into school mode and we're seriously going to look at our screen time- but for the past 2 1/2 weeks, I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I needed a break to renew myself and that's how I got it.

Even for the next few months I'm looking at what's the most important things that I should be doing/teaching/ etc. for me and my kids. Where do I need to get more spiritual/emotional support to help me stay strong and focused? How much of the school work do I need to do and what can be combined or eliminated? I don't want to short-change my kids, yet I'm finding quite often there is WAY more material to cover than life allows (or at least MY life allows), so why freak out with the kids to get it done- it won't help them learn any better (or at all).

I think there is a certain confidence that you hit in year four of homeschooling (or so I've heard from some other moms). You've been around the block a few times and worked out some of the kinks but it's still a learning curve (adding more kids, new topics, babies growing into toddlers/preschoolers, etc.). Yet somehow, there's part of you that might just be starting to realize that you not only haven't drown but you might even be treading water (or dare I even say, some days, actually swimming with your head ABOVE water?).

These next couple of months might be a bit of a blur with not a lot of textbook learning. The older 2 have a homeschool camp that they will be attending on Monday's for the month of January and their community classes are starting up again on Thursdays. To top it all off, my grandmother is going to be 85 in March and so there needs to be some planning/time for a project that I want to do for her in there and a Precept Bible Study that I think I'm supposed to attend- which might take school down to 2 days/week. Eek! Not sure if that will work, but we'll see.

Well, that's about it for now. Hopefully as I start to get more clarity or 'truth' I'll be able to post more about the process.

The 'Truth Project"

I've started something that I'm calling the 'Truth Project', wherein I'm trying to identify all the lies that I've been allowing to control my life and replacing them with truth.

It's amazing how we can 'know' what the truth is, yet still live like the lies are really the 'truth'- and boy does that make things miserable.

In order to keep the momentum going, I've started a new notebook that is just for this. I figured that if I just did it in my regular journal it would be easy to start skipping days (weeks) and then quickly forget about it because it's been 'lost' into my journal. I have a habit of starting things and not finishing them. ;-(

I'm not sure how it's going to work itself out, but I know it's the right path for me right now.

Another thing I'm going to do differently is how I write this blog. I think homeschooling is almost more about what/how we're doing as parents than it is about the actual schooling. I'm hoping to make time to review the posts I've already done and make them better (keeping the truth of the moment but ditching the whining that was so prevalent in most of my posts up till now) and then focus on blazing a helpful path for those who are coming up behind me in their own journeys.

I don't think that most people who home school, even those who have been doing it for a while, necessarily think that they've got it figured out. And, I've also come to realize that now that I've been homeschooling for a while and have several kids that I'm teaching, other people are looking to me for answers on how it all works and how to get it all done. Lord knows that I don't have all the answers even for myself- but maybe this blog can be a place for people to talk, discuss and pray for and with each other to help us be all that we can be so that we can train up our children to be all that they can be.

To find truth for ourselves and impart it to our children. The 'Truth Project'.

Nuggets of Gold

I'm not ready for school. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for this year. I want to do things differently this year- mostly meaning I want to finally get things right. But I know it's not going to happen and that makes me sad.

I know all the things that I 'should' be doing in order to have a better year- but I struggle with what I think reality is going to look like. How on earth will I possibly manage to teach 4 kids and keep a preschooler occupied (preferably without the use of a tv)?

I feel unprepared- the school room still looks like a mess to me. I long for a house that looks like those clean, sterile decor magazines with no clutter, minimal furniture and everything in its place. However, as my husband reminds me, I have 5 kids messing things up. Yet I don't feel any grace in this place.

Perfection, from a human standpoint, really is the enemy of life. It steals your peace, your joy, your hope, everything. It sucks everything out of you, yet gives nothing but grief in return. So why is it that we long for it- or maybe it's just me?

The problem extends itself when we put those expectations of perfection on those around us. If only.... becomes a horrible mantra that drives us deeper into despair. So what to do?

Maybe it's not about doing anything. I've been getting a lot of email devotionals about just being lately- and have been thinking that that isn't a random thing, but rather a God thing.

Maybe it's about letting go and dying to self and my expectations so that God can open my eyes to HIS plan, not only for my life- but for those around me (mainly my kids).

Maybe it's about discovering my kids for who they are instead of being annoyed by what they do/don't do.

Maybe it's about discovering who I am in Christ instead of who I think I am- because I really don't like that person all that much.

Maybe I need to learn how to like me again. To stop comparing myself against others and what they have and/or do- that I don't. To mourn and then put away those things that cannot be so that I can embrace fully that which needs to be- so that I will have the abundant life God has promised.

Maybe, just maybe, to learn to be at peace with myself- so that my kids will be at peace with themselves. I know I can't teach that which I haven't learned- and these are things that I want my kids to know. But I think grace is something that must be caught- not taught.

But even in that, maybe my job is just to be obedient to the lessons that I need to learn and let my children 'tag along for the ride', so that they can pick up the nuggets of gold that drop from my life and allow God to help them make them their own.

Life is like Potty Training...

I've come to realize that life is a lot like trying to potty train one of your kids. You need to put up with probably having a whole lot of pee (poo) all over the place, but if you persevere- eventually they get it. Not to say that you don't have days (weeks, or longer) where there might be setbacks, but they finally get it.

Now most people always try to comfort you by saying that they've never heard of a kid going off to school in a diaper and I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them about the guy I knew in college who still wore diapers (granted he had some mental challenges- but still, he was in diapers). It wasn't exactly comforting.

But I digress.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and how I think I'm doing and where I think I should be- with schooling, the kids, the home, etc., and realizing that I've spent the better part of the past few years doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results (and secretly wondering why I feel like I'm going insane).

So how is that like potty training? Well, usually the first few days of anything really sucks. It's hard, requires tonnes more time and effort than you are used to expending and/or want to put out and honestly, it's easy to convince yourself that it's not the right time for whatever (or that you aren't ready to deal with this).

This time, however, call it pride or what-have-you (mostly pride), I wasn't backing down on this potty training thing again. I'd caved in too many times already and I'd had it (that and all the other people I knew with kids much younger than child #5 were potty training THEIR kids- so I'd better get with the program)!

Maybe if I'd get that backbone about all the other things in my life that need to go I'd actually make some progress and not feel so frustrated. But time after time I cave- "it's not fair to the kids to have monster mommy as she tries to deal with whatever it is this time around". That's where the 'regression' comes in.

Sometimes you think, ah, finally, I've got it (mastered it, finished it, etc.)- only for God to pop it up again and let you know that, well really, no you didn't really have it. It makes you want to throw up your hands and just scream (or am I the only one that feels that way?)- but you just have to find the trigger, buckle down and plow through it and get things back on track.

Nobody starts school in diapers (okay, ignore my earlier caveat). My last post was about perspective. I keep saying hindsight is always 20/20- yet quite often I don't always take that advice. And that can bring you down faster than a lead parachute.

Finally, there is the 'owning' part of potty training. Getting your kids to the bathroom often enough that they don't have any accidents really only means that the parents are trained. In my books, until the child takes ownership and get's themselves to the bathroom (parental assistance to help them with pants, etc. is okay), they really aren't potty trained. They need to listen to their body and take the appropriate steps to deal with things.

For me, it means that I need to be more intentional about owning where I'm at. I need to reflect on things that have happened and why, and then seek the Lord's wisdom about how to handle it better next time- instead of just spewing my frustrations out into my journal every few weeks. Because honestly, that hasn't fixed much of anything yet for me.

So here's to potty training our lives- putting the crap where it belongs!

It's been a while...

Well, it's been way too long since I last blogged. So much has happened and I almost feel a bit bad that I haven't kept up with it better- to have more of an in depth log of the home school journey that we're on.

However, blogging through the past months would really have probably turned into a massive pity party about how frustrated I was with so many things- to the point that I was threatening to send all the school- aged kids back to public school because I was done!

This led to copious amounts of wailing on their part, and a small amount of change in attitude on their part. Not surprisingly, the biggest difference came after MY attitude changed. That seems to be my theme lately- change me.

It hasn't been fun and I would rather just be perfect- forget the growing/changing part. Or maybe the problem is that I have a standard of perfection (to which neither I nor anyone else will probably ever attain)- and I'm mad that I can't be there (and that nobody else around me is there either). Could this be part of the reason I always feel so frustrated with things/life?

I had wanted to summarize the past 6 months and had this long post going- only to realize that I really haven't thought about what happened and where it's gotten me/us. Actually, I don't know if I've ever really sat down and thought through things to see where we were and where we've gotten to (or where we need to go next).

That and I'm having one of my monster ear aches- so I can't really think.

But I've finally written something and hopefully I can spend some time over the next few weeks answering some of those questions. It will probably be good for me.

Night all!

What if everything were flat?

My last post reminded me of a conversation that I had with the kids the other day: 'What if God hadn't made hills and everything was flat?'

It was actually a pretty interesting conversation. We began by listing all the things that wouldn't be so hard if everything was flat. But then I started listing off all the things that they WOULDN'T have or be able to do if there were no hills: no skiing, snowboarding or tobogganing, no mountains to look up at or down from, maybe even no lakes!

We all agreed that life would be pretty boring if everything was flat. It's easy to say that about the external; however, what about us personally?

Unlike rollercoasters, life moves (usually) at a much slower pace. So why do we so often live it like it IS a rollercoaster- always looking for what the next turn will bring instead of enjoying the view from where we are?

Sometimes the valleys feel like deep dark pits and we wonder if life will ever get better. It reminds me of a friend who was struggling with some post-partum issues- so a group of us went over to pray with her. The analogy that came to mind was that of dessert flowers. That might seem like an oxymoron since the dessert is such a dry and desolate place- but there are some very beautiful flowers that only grow in those kinds of conditions. And so that is what I prayed for this friend- that each day God would help her "see and pick" a bouquet of dessert flowers as long as she was walking that road.

That isn't to say that there isn't a whole lot of yucky stuff that goes with that, but we're commanded to 'consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds'. This isn't a deluded 'paste a smile on your face even though life seems to suck/pie in the sky ideology'. It's a 'I know that God is bigger than this and has promised to walk me through so, even though I may never understand WHY!??- I know that God is God and is in control and will make SOMETHING good come out of it, just because He promised He would. Lot easier said than done, though.

But you know, the mountain tops- where everybody says things are going absolutely amazing, also has it's own challenges. Mountain tops are actually very harsh, inhospitable environments. Yeah the view is great (especially from inside a building or gondola), but outside can be nasty.

I guess the difference is in the perspective. When you're at the bottom looking up- you realize how small you really are and how feeble you are to deal with things on your own. It would almost seem like these should be the awesome times because that's when we realize/see the power of God to make up our shortfall.

Maybe the mountain top is really a double edged sword. On the one hand, our earthly problems/situations/etc. look mighty small when your 20,000+ ft up! But on the other, it could be very easy to sit back and marvel over yourself for making it up there- thus possibly diminishing the power/role of God in your life. Which is probably why we usually quickly find ourselves back down in the valley!

There are ups and downs (literally- sorry, just had to put that in there, lol) to the landscapes of our lives. And, as much as it would be nice to not have one or the other at times- we need both.

God made hills, and it was very good.

Rollercoasters

Life is feeling like a rollercoaster lately. I neither link nor despise them, and as the saying goes- they have their ups and downs.

I think the part that unnerves me is that 'dropping' feeling as you go over the edge and plummet down the coaster- pushing you onward to the next twist, turn or climb only to do it all over again. Oh, and did I mention they go around in circles? The same thing over and over and over again. I think eventually it looses it's appeal the closer you get to loosing lunch.

But life seems to be like that right now. I'm trying to work through a book entitled 'Large Family Logistics'- hoping to finally find the method that will tame the madness of my life. Only I don't think my life got the memo that said to lay off on the chaos for a while.

The book has been very helpful for me in terms of giving me direction to each days' chores. I just wish that I could get them done. My kids are not independent students yet, not to mention the littles that can't be left alone in order for me to get things done. So I need to figure out how to motivate them onto the same page so that we can be working toward a common goal- a household that runs like a well oiled machine. Hm, machines- see rolllercoaster thoughts, see loop see recursive....

Then there's the whole rabbit trail that is questioning why I'm home schooling and how much longer I'll be doing it for. My parents have never supported this whole home schooling endeavour and think the kids would be better off in the routine of school. Unfortunately an incident came up with my oldest at youth a few weeks back that has really messed with me and question another aspect of why I home school and why I'm worried about sending them back to public school.

It mainly centres around behaviours- specifically poor choices that made other kids tease my oldest and made his life miserable. Bringing him home and keeping him away from that has given him back his life, so to speak. The light in his life is shining bright, and for that I'm grateful. However, I still see those same issues in him- and it caused a negative reaction in another person and my son got hurt. I'm still angry about it but it raised again those feelings of seeing my son as a problem child and how could I possibly ever send him out into the real world if he is still acting like that? Then I wondered if I was maybe keeping him home to protect me instead of help him? That I wouldn't have to deal with other people complaining about him if I didn't let him out of the house.

I found it a very scary road to travel and I'm not sure that I've really worked it out in my head. And honestly, lately I've been wondering if they'd be better off in the daily grind of school. At least there they seem to get their work done every day and I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not they were falling behind in things.

Then there are the good days- where one or more of them does their work without complaining and they get along and play really well together and we connect, and it seems like all the hard work is getting us somewhere and if feels good. I just wish that I could figure out what happened to make those days happen so that we could duplicate them a bit more often than they seem to occur naturally.

Only I don't think that we'd learn nearly as much if that was the case. I guess it goes back to rollercoasters- without the downs you can't have the ups, it would all be flat!