What gets you up in the morning? Part 1

What gets you up in the morning? A few weeks ago, someone asked me this question. And honestly, it stumped me then and I'm still stumped.

I mean I get up every day- but usually grudgingly, wishing I'd gotten more sleep (especially uninterrupted sleep). And what usually makes me get out of bed is multiple children whining at the side of my bed, begging me to get up and make them breakfast (as least the younger ones that aren't physically able to get it themselves- the older ones have a higher tolerance to wait or they just make it themselves).

So I've been thinking, what gets me up in the morning? I could chalk it up to being more of a night-owl than a morning person, but that wasn't really the intention of the question.

The question has more to do with motivation and passion- what gets me going? To be honest, right now, I really can't think of anything.

Oh there are lots of things that I enjoy- but if they were really a passion, wouldn't I live my life to reflect that? In particular I think about my faith/relationship with God. If I had passion about someone/thing, wouldn't I WANT to get up early to spend time with them or doing that thing? Tired or not, I would drag my but out of bed because I knew that this thing would energize me for the day! But I don't- instead I pull the covers over the bed and tell my kids 'just a few more minutes'....

What gets me out of bed in the morning? To be excited and passionate about my day, what it holds and what I'll be doing is a gift from God, regardless of what happens or how my day turns out. It would also be a gift to model for my children. To embrace each day with joy and enthusiasm would be a great lesson for my children- to have them see me living life instead of trying to avoid it/numb myself through an over indulgence of TV/food/computer/etc.

For so long I have felt like my life is on hold to raise children- which really is totally NOT true! I have an incredibly difficult, if not impossible, task that has been set before me- how is that putting my life on hold?

Oh my word, I'm even more confused now than when I started! I think I need to ponder this topic more and see how it pans out.

Light bulb Moments

Oh my goodness! I knew it had been a while since my last post- but 2 months? That's bad! Most of it has been pretty frustrating, but I'm hoping (praying) for better days ahead. Mainly because of some 'light bulb moments' that I've had recently.

The biggest 2 have come within the past week. First, I've been flying by the seat of my pants for the past several months. This makes our day haphazard since I don't know from one minute to the next what we're going to be doing. I was constantly stopping to try and figure out what we were going to be doing next and then get it ready- mean while the kids just had enough time to get into a whole bunch of trouble. No wondering school sucked! I've been pretty frustrated about it as well and would often just 'let the kids play' because it was easier than trying to corral them back to start the next activity.

So, for the past couple of days I've been going back to actually preparing for the next day- what we're going to do and how to get it done. I've still got to work out logistics of getting 3 kids taught different things, but I'm feeling like there is purpose/direction now- which is making me feel organized and in control. Always a good thing when you're a teacher! ;-)

On the heels of that, tonight, I realized that I don't have to teach every single subject to each child every day- and failure to do that does not equal weakness/failure on my part as their teacher. Wow, if that isn't liberating! I was preparing their 'to do lists' for tomorrow and realized that my oldest had had double the work of the other 2 kids combined today! Not exactly fair!

I think that Math/LA are 2 subjects that need daily work- simply because there is so much to learn that it requires a short amount every day for it to really sink in. However, Socials & Science can probably be covered with 1-2 lessons each per week (i.e. alternating them instead of trying to get both done every day as well as everything else).

We've also gone back to group reading sessions. This way we are all able to spend time together and can discuss the material being read- not only to help deepen their understanding of the material but to have quality together time which keeps the younger preschooler & toddler in check so that there are fewer disruptions.

Another thing is going to bed earlier so I can get us all up earlier to begin working on better work habits- i.e. getting chores done before school starts, doing our work diligently/quickly and then the rest of the day is free.

So on that note, I need to get going.

Hopefully it won't be another 2 months before I post again!

Finding a Quiet Place

Right now, life is feeling out of control. Any day that is remotely not wet will find me outside trying to get my house painted before winter comes and we aren't able to paint anymore. This usually means that my older children are supervising themselves inside and the baby is hopefully sleeping (which she seems to have decided to do less and less of lately). Unfortunately doing this multiple times in quick succession makes the kids squirrelly.

Next, we have to add to that a temporary paper route that goes 3 times/week, and occasionally requires me to bring all 5 children with and get up really early on Saturdays to get the hour long route done by 9am.

We've also now started music lessons for the older 3 kids, on 2 separate days. I have been meaning to, for the past 3 - 4 years, do the lessons myself- but the reality of uninterrupted focused time to do that isn't happening right now. Like I said, things are chaotic right now and I feel like everything is being driven by the tyranny of the urgent instead of being directed with purpose.

Which brings me to finding a quiet place. I was thinking yesterday how scattered things feel right now. I finally managed to get last week's laundry folded today- but it's still not put away and I'm already starting on this week's laundry. But everything feels so busy, that I feel like I don't have time for anything- let alone reconnecting with the kids to help calm/smooth out our home.

We need some peace. Not that I want quiet solitude, although that is a long ago luxury that I wouldn't mind tasting for a bit, but rather I want a peaceful home. Where kids get along with/like each other. Where the laundry is not only done, but put away. Where everything is in its place so that you aren't stepping/tripping on toys and can't find anywhere that's clear to play. Where when you look around, you feel at peace with what you see- instead of feeling anxious because of the clutter/chaos.

But how to achieve that? With 7 people in our house, there is bound to be stuff laying around. I've purged at least 2 (if not 3) minivan loads of stuff from our home, but there is still so much left. And, it doesn't help that the 2 yr old just takes everything out & throws it around- even as we're trying to clean up.

So how to find the quiet place and bring peace back to our home? Well, the house needs to finish getting painted (which is a non-negotiable) and we've committed to the paper route, but both of those things will be done within the next month (unless we quit the route early- which might be a good idea, but I want to teach the kids several things through doing this, so we'll see). Music lessons are something that I want as a priority for our family- so they will stay (for now). But the rest of it all is going to stop so that it's just us, figuring out life as God wants it to be for us.

Life happens and things keep coming up, but maybe finding a quiet place means figuring out what's important to our family and pursuing that and letting everything else that doesn't line up with that go. Skipping good lessons to pursue the best lessons. Taking time to figure out the purpose of why God allowed each of us to wake up this morning- seeking His agenda and not my own.

That's an interesting thought: 'why did God let me wake up this morning- what event/circumstance that is going to happen today requires my participation?' and then spend the day working towards making the most of it...

Finding Time....

I came up with a really great thought for another post, but was too tired to write last night. Then today I had totally forgotten what it was that I wanted to remember. Thankfully (I think), my memory was jogged by a quick perusal of my journaling- so hopefully this was the topic. ;-p

I've been thinking about each one of my kids lately and trying to figure out what it is that they need that they have to get from me personally. Things like quality time. With 5 kids, a reno still in progress and homeschooling all going on- I wonder where I'm supposed to find the time to do all things for all kids.

Like for #2. He wants to know what his 'talent' is- the thing that God gave him to make him special that will likely form part of who he is/what he does when he gets older. I believe God gave me something for #1, but I haven't gotten anything for #2. So I was thinking/praying about it while journaling last night and really felt that I was supposed to spend time with him, teaching him how to hear from God- in order for him to discover it for himself.

Then I thought about how I should be teaching ALL my children to hear from God like that too.

Then I thought about how I need to be reading with ALL my children every day.

Then I thought about how I needed to spend 'alone time' will ALL my children every day.

Then I thought about how I need to be teaching my children their schooling every day.

Then I wondered how the house was going to get cleaned, the laundry done and meals prepared every day.

And, and, and.... and I wondered how I would find the time to do all those things without ALL the other children going crazy because they weren't being closely supervised while I was occupied with their sibling.

And I was overwhelmed.

I know that I waste a LOT of time on the internet- so I'm trying to cut back (probably need to go cold turkey! although it doesn't help that I'm on here now!?!?!?). Not to mention the poor food choices are leaving me feeling sluggish/tired because it's messing with my sleep (as well as a spike in crazy dreams lately- but that's another story) and vice versa, so that when I finally fall asleep I'm in no hurry to get up and deal with the day. So I feel like I'm short of hours in the day.

But then I realized that just because God told me to do something with one child at a particular time doesn't mean that I have to then do that with ALL of the children. God's into personalization- not mass production/cookie cutter approaches. That's not to say that if the opportunity presents itself that I can't do it, just that once I get something I'm not supposed to automatically do it for all of them.

Lately all of the kids seem to NEED me, in a very personal 'alone time' kind of way. They are asking for cuddles/snuggles. They're asking for talks and doing things with me. I feel torn about how to give them all this time... but I guess I just have to remember that while they're asking for my time- they're also giving me their time as well. It won't be that much longer and they might not be so free with that offering, especially if I don't take advantage of it now.

Better food/exercise choices must be made to  have the energy to live with less sleep so that I can get my chores done when they're asleep and computer/TV time is going to have to be significantly reduced so that I can find the time to give it to my children. To invest in their future and ultimately the future of my descendants as a result of how I raise the children God has entrusted to me.

Maybe then, too, they won't fight me as much when I say it's time for school....

Back in the saddle again!

It's hard to believe that I'm starting on year 2 of homeschooling! I can remember thinking that I could hardly wait till I had a year accomplished, so that it wouldn't be all so new and overwhelming. And honestly, I'm much more relaxed about things now- not sure if it was just a 'head game' or plain experience, but whatever it is I'll take it! This new year also adds another child to our classroom, which will be an interesting change in dynamics.

I was thinking that today we'd officially launch our new school year- but that seems to be a bit redundant since we've been doing school off and on all summer. I'm trying to do the year-round schooling so that we do a bit less each day over a longer period with bigger breaks every few months instead of a huge one in the summer.

Today, though, I sat down with the kids and asked them to tell me what they wanted to learn about/do this year. It gave me a bit more insight into where their interests are, as well as it also gave me further insight into who they are- mainly through what/how they offered up their questions.

My oldest is very introspective and easily discouraged. I'm thinking that maybe this year I'm going to need to do some more one-on-one stuff with him to help boost his confidence in himself and his abilities. I had been trying to have #2 sit in on some of the lessons (to kill 2 birds with 1 stone), but this frustrated #1 when the younger child answered questions before the older one did! :-(

His constant discouraging comparisons today have reminded me of his gentle, fragile spirit- the same one that was being crushed in the regular school system- and how maybe it's still being crushed (albeit in a different way) by how things have been going with home schooling. The past year was frustrating for both of us, and I'm really going to need some divine insight on how to reconnect with him to help him really soar with his school work. We'll have to see...

Child #2 has really started to flourish over the summer with his inquisitive mind. In that way he's very much like me- wanting to know everything about everything. He dislikes/disliked reading, so I've resorted to a 'bribe' of sorts: give me a minimum of 20 min/day till the end of August & I'd buy him a Lego set (only to discover later that it's going to cost me an arm and part of a leg, lol, but if it works- it will be money well spent).

Already I've seen a huge improvement in his reading skills and the side benefits have been great as well- like one-on-one time with him, which is something that is VERY precious to him (and me too) and less complaining about how much he hates reading. It's funny though- ask the kids to pick a book to read and #1 goes for the comics and #2 hauls out the encyclopedia! Just a slight personality difference! ;-)

As for our newest student, child #3 is very much wrapped up in himself with very little concept of others and their feelings. Thankfully learning manners/to be nice were on his list! ;-) His innocence is very sweet- hopefully I will be able to find a way to motivate him gently when the going gets tough and he has to buckle down and get work done instead of being able to play all day. Thankfully he's had a year of being around our home school and has picked up a lot of stuff through 'passive eavesdropping'- just need to figure out how to draw him in to 'active schooling'.

One thing about this little exercise was that it gave me some more ideas about things I could do with them- that they wanted to do (instead of me dictating everything). It will also help me figure out how to keep their interest when teaching some of the things that I need to cover for my PLO's- by using their areas of interest to teach my info.

I think one of my goals this year is to figure out how to connect with each child's learning style so that they can catch a love of learning and take that and soar with it. I want them to believe that they have been given everything that they need to become the person God intended them to be- and to equip them with the tools they need to achieve what they've been created to be. Not just for them- but for a 1,000 generations from now (but that's a whole new post for another day).

Anyway, I've been busy/productive cleaning/purging my house lately- so I should try to get to be at a reasonable hour tonight. I guess another goal of mine should be to get to bed/up earlier so that I'm ready for the day and can get the kids focused/motivated first thing rather than trying to corral them in the afternoon (and then wonder why they aren't impressed)!

G'night!

Musings....

I keep thinking of things that I feel would be good to write out on this blog, but seem to easily get distracted with life and never end up doing so. Unfortunately, it seems to also be how I deal with everything these days. ;-(

It's hard to teach your kids discipline (i.e. working something through until it's done and accomplishing your goals)- when you don't seem to have any yourself. There are so many things that I wanted to do this past year- both with the boys and personally, but for lack of discipline they haven't gotten done.

I guess it's all about priorities. Choosing what or what not to do- and the appropriateness and timing of each choice. I really want to have more of a daily/weekly plan of attack for this year- markers to gauge our path by. I need to look at my year and what we need to accomplish and figure out the directions to get us from point 'a' to point 'b' by the end of the year. Of course allowing for rabbit trails as the kids' interest leads, but I think goals would be good.

I found last year that keeping track of what we'd done was helpful for seeing the progress that we'd made. This year I need to be proactive in the overall plan for the year. It's like budgeting your money (and sticking to the plan) as opposed to spending at will and then just keeping track of what you've spent in Quicken- just so you can say you know where your money's gone. Helpful, but not very productive for staying/getting out of debt!

This would probably help me be a bit more 'fun' in my teaching approach- something I'm sure the boys would really appreciate. I'm also wanting to create a 'schedule' of sorts to help me get in group teaching time but also one-on-one time with all of the kids (not just the 3 school age ones)- so they rest need to keep each other occupied. Hopefully I can flexibly work something out so that we're a bit more productive with our days and are then able to get to the 'extras' that are fun/cool (which make up for not so fun things like math, etc.).

But it all comes back to priorities- me not wasting time on the computer doing useless things because I'm feeling overwhelmed with life and don't want to face it, and instead- getting our chores done so that I can use my evenings for productive stuff/hobbies.

Speaking of which- need to get to bed, as usual. ;-)

Well, I (we) made it!

It's kind of hard to believe, but we've finished our first year of home schooling- and we're all alive, lol! The portfolios are done (I think) and will be handed in tomorrow. 

I think I'm in shock.

It seems like an eternity since we started last September, and in some ways it is. We've done a major reno (which still isn't finished), welcomed a new baby and done a full year of school. Okay, not a full year if you take out the 2 mths before Christmas and the dozen or so items that we haven't covered! ;-)

There are moments when I feel like this year was a success- like when our teacher is checking off lots of things from the PLO 'to do' list or my kids are 'wow-ing' someone with their new skills/abilities and/or information (especially if it's something that I've taught them).

Then there are other times that I feel like I've failed- when things are soo boring, when I get attitude instead of co-operation or when I look at the things that aren't checked off 'the List' or we covered it but my child doesn't know it yet.

I regret taking 2 mths off and for all the times that we've slacked off- but then I wonder if I really could have done things that much differently. I don't think it could have successfully gone any other way. Life was crazy, but we had the option to take a step back and not go nuts. Maybe that in itself is success.

One of the biggest things that I've been focusing on lately is character development. And, as everybody knows, takes a really long time and there are no lists to check off. Academics can get caught up over the summer/into next year: character- not so much.

There's still a lot of behaviour that I'm not liking very much at all, but I have to admit that relying more on God's wisdom and allowing Him to 'cut to the heart of the matter' with my children is starting to produce a harvest of righteousness. I'm trying not to spew out verses to get what I want from my children, rather to take a step back and figure out what God wants to say to their heart.

You can only teach that in home school- and it happens through on the job training. I have learned so much personally through my journey this year and I think the boys have to (academically, spiritually and emotionally).

There's so much more that could be said, but I regret to say that it won't be done now. I'm too tired and I think that I'm not making much sense right now- so I'm going to go to bed. 

I should probably blog something....

It's been another 2 weeks since I last blogged, so I probably should write something- but then really, nobody reads this so who cares? The point is that usually somewhere in my musings, God really hits me with something very profound. And tonight, I could really use that.

The past couple days of school have been pretty good- for the most part, the kids have enjoyed it. Probably has something to do with the fact that I turned learning verbs and the months/seasons into games of charades. I think part of me has balked at the notion of 'playing games/entertaining' my children with their school work- feeling that it was somehow counterproductive. They weren't going to be entertained in order to make their jobs as adults more enjoyable, might as well get them used to the idea now that life was boring and you just had to suck it up.

But maybe that's more of how I feel life is right now, and I'm scared to think of the possibility of life being fun/enjoyable. Or maybe I'm just not up to opening the door to feeling anything right now? I used to love school- and I want my kids to love learning too. So why am I tormenting all of us and making it so sour? I've been wondering if maybe I should send them back to public school- at least there the teachers could be slightly more entertaining, or at least the classroom environment would do that!

Last time I wrote about being the lighthouse- now I just feel like the person who's been washed overboard by the storm and is getting sucked down deeper and deeper. The house is a mess- the Lego is overrunning nearly every room. And the laundry- I was so pleased that it was caught up only to discover last night 4 - 5 loads had found their way into the laundry pile in my room!

But we had a pretty good school week. Maybe I just need to hold onto that for tonight. My kids are excited about some of the activities that we're supposed to be doing. Maybe that can help me want to get out of bed tomorrow.

It says in James that, 'blessed are those who persevere when they face trials of many kinds, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.' I've been saying this to the boys to get them to work through the 'boring stuff'- maybe I need to make it my mantra to get me through this as well.....

Pulling Teeth (or I think I'm gonna cry)

Okay, feels like it's been a crappy week and I'm REALLY frustrated with life. And, unfortunately that spills over into homeschooling- which spills back over into life.

I've re-enrolled the boys for next year because I think it's what I'm supposed to do. But I'm realizing in my talks with some people, that all those behavioural reasons that I included on my 'reasons for homeschooling' don't magically go away because you're at home with the kids. Not only do they not go away, I seriously think that they intensify!

Now granted, my parents have been gone for the past month and the kids really miss them. And now, they can't even come home because a volcano blew in Iceland and the ash is all over Europe (so they've cancelled all the flights since volcanic ash will seize the engines- and it's pretty hard to fly without them!). So, to make matters worse- the kids are upset about that as well.

Needless to say, there is a fair amount of frustration, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. running amok at my house and it's sliming everyone/everything- and making for a VERY unpleasant household. And as an added bonus, hubby is now home on holidays for 12 days! Seriously, I want to run screaming from my house right now!

But I can't. I think I'm the only thing that is standing in the gap between freedom/peace and descending into a totally chaotic hell. It's thankfully not me that is going to pull us out of this- but rather God. However, I am His tool at the moment- and it sucks!

We've been working on obedience=blessing/disobedience=curses in our KONOS curriculum, and I know that it applies to me as well- so I really need to work through this. But it's hard. And I feel alone- like a lighthouse alone in the lashing storm, with the waves crashing at my feet trying to knock me over and the rain pouring down trying to extinguish the flame that stands as a warning to those around to beware of the rocky shores, lest they be destroyed.

But lighthouses are built upon the rock for a reason- to withstand those same storms that feel like they're going to tear you apart, because that's the whole purpose for them to be there. They are made FOR the storms- to not only survive them, but to help others survive them as well.

In my immediate context- the little ships that I must keep from harm are my children. I cannot cave as if I were a lighthouse made of sticks built on a sandy foundation. My foundation is the rock of Jesus Christ and HE is the lighthouse that needs to shine from within me- thought the storms of life may come (and as anyone knows- it's not a maybe, rather a when the storms come), I must stand firm in Christ. And when I have fought the fight- to REMAIN standing, through the victory of Christ Jesus (NOT my own).

Wow, talk about profound and encouraging words for a very weary and discouraged heart. Kind of too bad that I haven't told anyone about this blog yet- this revelation seems too amazing to keep hidden. Maybe it's time to break out and at least share this with others who could be encouraged by it as I have been. Maybe....

Getting man's approval but needing God's more....

Well, it's been a crazy couple of weeks- but the portfolios are done and in for Term 2! Yahoo! And, it seems that my teacher is quite impressed with it. She even asked if they could make copies of things to give as examples for other people. My hubby joked that I wasn't going to get any marks for doing a good job- but in a way I am (and oh, does it ever feel REALLY good).

A successful portfolio means that I have taught my children many things this term and done my job towards meeting my PLO's. I feel like I am getting the hang of the school thing- but maybe more importantly I feel like a success.

But now that I think about it, is that really what this is about? I know, deep down, that it is not.

I may be able to check off a whole bunch of PLO's for the government, but what about the PLO's that God has for me and my children this year? How have I done with that? I wonder if it's something that I can really measure right now- or if it's something that only time can tell? In a way, it could almost make you feel like a failure if you can't check off a whole bunch of things- but heart training isn't a to-do list. It's a life long journey- one that we're on until we die, I guess.

Somehow, in the chaos of life right now, I need to hear from God about what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been working to fulfill my duties to people- yet have not truly sat down and had a meeting with God recently about how HE thinks I'm doing. Wonder if I would still be pleased with myself?

Maybe that's why even though I'm getting through a fair amount of material, I know that I don't always have my childrens' hearts with me (like today with my oldest). Quite frankly, I question where my heart is in all of this at times, too. I even went to far as to purchase a clock for our homeschool room that says 'Love is Patient, Love is Kind' to remind myself to be those things with my boys- patient and kind. It hasn't always worked.

As well, I have to figure out if we're going to continue homeschooling next year. I don't want to just keep homeschooling because that's what we did this year- just like I didn't want to simply keep my kids in public school because that's what I had been doing. However, I feel like I still have SO much more heart-training left to do with my children, that I can't possibly stop now.

Maybe I need to suck up a few days of nearly no sleep to reset my schedule so that I can put God first in my day (or realistically PUT Him INTO my day to begin with). I feel like every time I get on here it always comes back down to this same thing- needing to spend time with Him (but me not doing it). I know that it's something we need to always be doing- desiring more of God, I just wish that I would tear down all the distractions and push through to do it.

I was originally going to title this post 'Feeling pretty pleased with myself!', but after having written my thoughts, decided to change it to 'Getting man's approval but needing God's more....' It seemed to make more sense about describing the road this post took.  I started out over-the-top happy about how good I was doing, only to realize that I think I've been missing the mark. Oh how doth pride goeth before the fall.....

But you know what- I think even in this, God's met with me and taught me something about what He thinks about how I'm doing... The pride is gone and I've realized that I need to work more the heart (both theirs and mine). I guess like the difference between homeschooling vs public school I need to re-evaluate and redefine what spending time with God looks like for me and my family (and it doesn't look anything like what it did before I had kids!).

Thanks for the revelation, God- I don't feel nearly so bad about things even though there is so much work to do ;-)

Goodnight!

Running out of Time....

This week has been better- have actually managed to get nearly everything done by lunch time a couple of days this week. And honestly, I think the boys much prefer it that way. I think when I wait till the younger ones go down for their naps- the older ones are upset that I'm infringing on 'their' time. But when I commandeer their time from when they get up, they don't seem to mind (as much)- and then they think they've won the lottery when I say that they have the rest of the day free to play.

But I feel like I'm running out of time- esp. with math. I did a quick calculation and there aren't enough days left in the school year to finish everything in the books. Doesn't help that we really did no math for the first half of the school year. So, I'm going to have to take a serious look at things to see what I have to do, what would be nice to do and what can be skipped. The hard part is that they actually have to learn the math- not just be introduced to it, and I can't rush that. Hopefully I can figure out how to focus and buckle down with it to get it done.

It's hard to believe that February is almost gone and there is only 4 mths 'left' for this year! But that also scares me- I only have 4 mths left to get it all done, which if the boys worked faster, wouldn't be a problem. I'm going from 'we have all year' to 'the year is almost done'. Aaaaah! Need to keep focused and on task. One day at a time. Plug away bit by bit- majoring on the majors and minoring on the minors.

Deep breath, deep breath- and don't hyperventilate. ;-)

On the plus side, I was thinking about our year so far- warts and all, and realizing that deep down, I think I'm really loving this whole home school journey that we're on. Just want to make sure that academically, we're keeping up with where we're supposed to be.

Hitting the Wall...

The past few weeks have been pretty brutal- to the point where my hubby is wanting to send the kids back to public school. So I've been asking myself again, 'why am I doing this?'.

I'm guessing the biggest part of the problem is my lack of devotional time. Time to focus on the important things (like growing into a more Christ-like woman/wife/mother) and releasing the unimportant things (like petty distractions that can consume all your time each day).

In reading some of my previous posts, I've realized that my blogs have been very self focused- whining about this and that and what's gone (usually) wrong with homeschooling that week. But is that really what this is about. I mean really- why are we doing this?

Character building takes time, lots of it. And around here- nobody is immune and I think most of us would be getting a big fat 'F' in that class! So how can the kids be expected to behave when we as parents seem to be loosing it most of the time?

Nothing seems to be going the way it should- not that I feel like I know what 'it' should look like. I keep thinking that maybe if it was more interesting or entertaining or something, that the boys would be more on board with the whole program and get their work done quickly- oh, and with a great attitude as well! Probably too much to hope for from 6 & 8 year old boys!

I was thinking that maybe I needed some suggestions on how I could change things up, but then I realized that while that might be helpful- it isn't the solution. I need to go to the Great Teacher and get HIS instructions for what I'm supposed to be doing, along with the when and how of it all. Something that is so basic yet I've sadly chosen to neglect it and waste time doing unimportant things.

Maybe that's why God let's us hit walls- so we can stop and look around at the mess that our lives have become, in the hopes that we'll finally turn to Him to show us how things are really supposed to be done. Maybe if I get focused on God it will help my kids get focused on Him too- and then maybe together we can work on getting our lives in focus. Each of us getting our jobs done quickly and efficiently so that we can have time to enjoy each other and the world around us.

I guess that means that I need to get off here and begin the focusing- and then get to bed so that I can focus my day tomorrow BEFORE it happens, rather than after I get slaughtered in battle!  ;-&

Pulling up blanks....

My brain feels dead. Many times this week I've been wondering why I'm doing a particular activity (and not knowing why) or thinking we've been busy (but for the life of me, I can't remember with what). Very frustrating!

The weekly reports for the most part have been quite jam packed with every minute detail that I can legitimately put in there- in hopes that I'm actually covering things that need to be covered. Some might say that if I were to be registered instead of enrolled than I wouldn't have to bother with weekly reports, but for now- I need them. I need the accountability of having to explain what I've been doing (or why things haven't been done).

Thankfully I have a system to keep track of everything- as long as I keep it up to date. As I mentioned above- if I wait a day or two, I have no clue as to what we did. It's now one of my bed-time chores. In some ways it's very therapeutic- as long as we actually did something that day. It makes me feel like my kids are learning and that I'm successfully doing my job as their teacher.

But there's something else. I'm still wonder about the character issues. I feel like we're not really getting anywhere with things- in fact, things seem to be getting worse! I don't know if the stress of reno chaos and new baby have just pushed everyone over the edge or what the deal is- I'm drawing a blank. All I know is that I'm still dealing with my issues/frustrations and the kids seem to be acting like I am! Argh!

For some reason I think I honestly believed that it was going to just fix itself because we were now homeschooling. But like another home school mom mentioned- it gets worse before it gets better! I also think our instant society breeds impatience that wants everything yesterday- only God doesn't share the same ideal. Would be nice if He did, though.

One thing is that I'm greedy- with my time, my money, my wants, etc. I want it all the way I think it should be- in short I want to be god. Thankfully that position has already been filled, which is a HUGE weight off my shoulders- but it still presents a problem for me in my obedience (or lack thereof). Needless to say, I see this same problem magnified in my children (or maybe it's just times the 4 of them that are old enough to give me attitude back).

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot again, being swept away by the raging currents of life. Struggling to come up for that fractional second- gasping for air, only to be sucked away again by the torrent of life's demands. I thought things were supposed to be different if you home schooled?

Maybe it's just like everything else- it's a choice. A choice to get up early even when I'm tired because I had a hard time falling/staying asleep. A choice to GET UP and spend real, quality time with God instead of laying in bed (insert snores in between prayers) and counting that as prayer time. A choice to daily die to selfishness and not only embrace a life of servanthood, but to do it with joy instead of drudgery. A choice to look for the good in people and situations instead of being annoyed by everything.

My brain might feel like it's dead, but it still knows what it needs to do. God knows where I'm at and He has everything I need to get through it all. A few days ago I was reminded about the yoke He gives us- and how different it is from the yokes we make for ourselves... I think the reason I'm coming up with so many blanks is because I'm trying to keep it together carrying MY self-made yoke, which doesn't work. I need to trade it in moment by moment for His yoke, for His yoke is easy and the burden is light.

So I guess if we're weighted down with the cares of this world- we need to trade in our yoke for His so that we will get the rest and refreshing we need to get His will done. Hm, definitely need to work on that....

Another week done.... and hypocrisy (or liking bad habits)....

I can't believe we're already 3 weeks into home schooling for 2010 already! Where has the time gone?

Jeremiah's managed to read a couple of books now- it's sooooo exciting to see. It makes me feel like we've actually done something. I think the lights are finally starting to go on for him with the whole reading thing (although there is a LOT of work that needs to be done)- and it isn't as much of a battle anymore. At least not lately! ;-)

I've also been able to get some momentum with math. Elijah is learning addition strategies- and thinks it quite humourous that I'm telling him that I'm teaching him how to 'cheat' at math. Basically I think it's like the math we learned when we were younger (at least I did)- no counting on your fingers and using patterns to get the answers. When we worked on his math homework last year it was so painful to watch him sit there and count with his fingers- only to loose track/mis-count and end up with the wrong answer. Now, out of 90 questions he gets 88 right (would be 100% if he didn't have the odd careless mistake that you wonder what they were thinking....)

Probably the neatest part of the year so far is our KONOS: Obedience curriculum. We've finally started our Kings & Queens section and we're all pretty excited about having our medieval feast. I found 2 really cool books at the library about 10 of some of the most influencial King & Queens (one is the ladies and the other is the men). What has been an interesting side-note is the fact that King David & Queen Esther were both included. This provided an unique teaching opportunity since the books are not written from a religious point of view and they make certain (incorrect) assumptions and promote some erroneously held beliefs. We've been able to then go to the bible (where the author says he got his information) and see what God had to say about them.

A definite bonus in all this reading is that the younger kids, for the most part, are hanging around and listening to it all. Although this can also be very frustrating, as Noah really doesn't seem to understand the concept of playing/listening QUIETLY- so that the old boys can hear what's being read. But really, these biographies are just intro's anyway. The discussions we have about them: who they were, what they did/didn't do and how they ruled (good or bad)- is probably the bigger part of what they'll remember.

Personally, I've been finding it hard to get myself 'calmed down' lately. We really haven't been doing 'reno chaos' since Christmas- but I'm still feeling strung up. Other things have also just gotten in like a burr under a saddle- and while I manage to once and a while reign in my thoughts/actions/words, it sees that more often than not I don't.

I guess it comes down to what a friend said earlier this week- we don't overcome those 'vices' in our lives because, deep down, we enjoy them. Hogwash, you might say! But think about it- if it really was that bad, we'd stop doing it!?! If we really wanted to overcome those bad/annoying habits in our lives- we'd do EVERYTHING in our power (and then some) to overcome, wouldn't we? Instead, we make excuses and whine to God about wanting HIM to change us. We throw out the 'spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' thing- and thereby throw up our hands in defeat.

I think deep down what we really aren't willing to admit is that the vice is less inconvenient than the consequences and there is still enough enjoyment to make it worthwhile to continue in.

But what kind of example am I then to my children, if I'm teaching them to obey God and us as their parents- when I'm not being obedient myself? I have anger issues. I have food issues. I have jealously issues. I seriously lack most of the fruits of the spirit (to name but a few issues). All of these things are dealt with in the bible- yet I'm not working on changing things in my life. Oh we can make all the excuses in the world, but the reality is is that God has said how He feels about these things and I must be transformed to HIS likeness- failure to do so is disobedience.

I Cor. 15:57 says that I can do ALL THINGS- how? THROUGH CHRIST! But God will NEVER force those changes upon anyone. I, we all, need to CHOOSE to appropriate that power and decide that we want Him more than we want to stay where we are in our sins!

Hard, harsh word? Maybe. But I really think it's truth- and sometimes it's hard or harsh to hear the truth. I'm thinking I really need to make some decisions about whether or not I want to be an honest example to my kids- of someone working out their sanctification/faith with fear and trembling or if I'm going to continue living like a hypocrite, making excuses about why I don't obey ALL of God's instructions.

Well, my brain feels fried and I'm up too late, yet again, and the kitchen is a pig sty still because I've been on the computer (also, yet again). Ah well, His mercies are new every morning- now to get some sleep so I can appreciate that tomorrow. ;-)

Loosing steam... and reaping what you sow...

Last week was a really great 'get back at it' kind of home school week. This week, not so much.

The boys go to a resource centre through our school on Tuesday mornings, and the rest of the week just fell apart after that (like who seriously starts their Friday's home school at 3pm and thinks that their kids are going to be overjoyed at doing a spelling test?). Oh, especially when you say that on Saturday we're going to make up for mommy not getting her act together and sleeping through the alarm?!??!

It's great that we're doing these awesome bible lessons everyday that we get around to home schooling- but I'm wondering about the other days as well as the actual working out, character wise, of what we're learning. I want them to think that DAILY time with God is just something that you do- always- not just on certain days or when you feel like it/get around to it.

Probably the biggest hindrance is me and my attitude- it's been really bad lately. My oldest was giving me attitude this afternoon and I responded with the 'if you give me grief you're going to have a REALLY miserable day tomorrow', to which he replied 'isn't there something in the bible about revenge?'

Talk about reaping what you sow.

So really, what is my problem? I keep telling the kids that it doesn't matter how tired or sick you are or what anyone did to you- you still have a choice of how you're going to react. I guess I need to start practicing more of what I preach ;-( It's been said that 'if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy', yet I like how someone changed it: if momma ain't happy then momma needs to change her attitude! But how do I change my attitude?

I have so much to be grateful for, yet I get peeved about the stupidest things. I'm jealous of how good I think other people are doing and/or what they have that I don't and as a result I am ungrateful for the many, many, many blessings that I do have. And then I wonder why my kids are whiny and ungrateful to each other and myself. I'm reaping what I'm sowing.

But it's not all bad- child #2 managed to read 'Go, Dog, Go' almost all by himself this week. And the conversations that we've had about God and life- would never have happened if we weren't on this journey.

My very first week back in September was really bad. This one was almost as bad for my sucky attitude. I got over it last time- I just have to pray and work at getting over it again. I want to reap a harvest of righteousness- so I better get sowing seed of righteousness...

Oh Dear- I've been one of 'those' kinds of bloggers!

Okay, I have to admit that I've been one of 'those' kinds of bloggers. By that I mean one of those people who has a blog and then doesn't post anything new for a really long time- in this case, 3 months. Not good. The only upside is that nobody reads this stuff yet anyway- so there is nobody to get mad at me. I couldn't even remember my password to get back on my blog to write something! Now that's bad!

Well, needless to say that past 3 mths have been absolutely CRAZY!!!!! The computer had died, then we all got sick (except for my hubby, as usual!), after which we started a major reno in our house (that 2 mths later STILL isn't finished), oh and yeah- I had another baby, this time by c-section that ended up getting infected prompting a week long stay in hospital (that makes for 5 kids).

I really was hoping to get more schooling done- but honestly, I knew that with a baby coming things were up for grabs. Hey, I'm still 2 mths behind on my weekly reports. Oops ;-)

Anyway, I've switched to the new curriculum I'd mentioned earlier- and I'm totally excited about it. The kids are somewhat getting into it, but after 2 - 3 mths of sloughing off- it's hard to get back into the swing of things for them and get to work.

The major blessing from the reno is that I now have a 'home school' room- right off the kitchen (before that it was crammed in downstairs with the playroom)! We're still dealing with some toys around to distract the kids- but so far it's been pretty good. Numbers 3 & 4 have been hanging around and listening to the older kids' lessons and #5 is kind of co-operating and sleeping pretty well so that I don't have to teach over her screaming.

But I am still struggling with trying to make things fun/interesting- but I have to remind myself that I'm here to build character not entertain them.

For example- my oldest came to the table yesterday looking all dejected and I wanted to know why. At first he refused to tell me (not a good sign when you're working on a unit entitled 'Obedience'), but eventually opened up. He said that he felt stupid. Talk about a teachable moment! Thankfully I was able to pray with him and share some verses with him- and it was very cool that once we started our 'official' bible lesson for the day that it talked about some of the same things/scriptures that I'd just shared with him. Gotta love it when God shows up! ;-)

It was such a blessing to see the weight lift off his shoulders by the end of the morning. I would hate to think of what kind of day he would have had if he'd been at public school with those thoughts pounding through his mind.... That's what it's all about and I'm glad that I have the privilege of being a part of his life and this process.