Repeat with Me, "I don't need to be Fixed!"

I feel like I'm supposed to write something- and I was going to try really hard to be very cheerful as I wrote it since I seem to always blog/write when I'm frustrated, which makes it all sound dark and dreary. But my thoughts are so all over the place that I feel like I'm jumping from one lilypad to the next with no rhyme or reason to it.

Now that they have this updated blog format, I've actually discovered that I'm not the only one reading these posts- so I feel like I need to 'wax eloquent' with my writing like all the other blog out there seem to. Sheesh! So, needless to say it's a tad frustrating to not be able to think straight and get it out properly.

But then again, maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe my ping-pong ball type thoughts are what someone out there somewhere will need. Maybe my crassly written words will be like the psalmist and hit someone where they're at- now I just need to figure out how to put an uplifting twist on things that are hard.

I guess it's like the movie Courageous- where the lead has to figure out if he's going to choose gratitude for what he did have or be bitter about what he won't have. So often I choose to 'navel-gaze' and pick apart my life in an attempt to 'fix' myself- but in doing so I take my eyes off the One who CAN fix me.

Yet even in that- I'm still believing that who/what I am isn't good enough, that it even needs to be fixed. Whoa- I'm just going to stop for a second and let that thought sink into my brain. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm always so frustrated! Do I need healing and wholeness in my life- definitely. But the bible says that when God made me (all of us), He said it was very good! When He choose to save us- we didn't have to get our act together and be 'fixed' to receive His FREE gift of salvation. We got it where we were at. So where do we get the idea that we need to strive to some goal of perfection in order to be good enough? By comparing ourselves to others and thinking we have to earn our salvation.

You might say that you don't believe in earning our salvation- but what about the verse that says we need to work out our salvation or that we have to be holy even as Jesus was? I don't think those verses are all about US trying to make it on our own. I think it has more to do with being transformed by the presence of God- focusing on Him (instead of ourselves) and having Him rub off on us and our character.

I think I need to go sleep on these thoughts- so not where I thought I was going with this tonight, however, it's a good place to be. A healing place.

Temper Tantrums

Lately it seems as if the temper tantrum monster has come to live at my house- today it was my turn to let loose in a full melt-down. I'm so totally not proud of that fact and after a time-out in my room, I called all the kids to the living room to apologize and ask for their forgiveness.

I always tell them that they can't control what others say/do to them, but they do have control over their response. And, as much as I 'lost it' today with them- it was very much a choice. I knew that I could get them to stop fighting and start listening if I freaked out at them- so I did it. Plain talking hadn't worked so I did what I knew would work- slamming books and bins on the table and yelling. Did I feel awful afterwards- yes, but also strangely no.

Yes, because I don't want to freak my kids into obeying me. I want them to obey out of love not fear. Yes, because I don't like it that nothing else is working and the only thing I could think of was to melt-down. But mostly yes, because the bible says that I'm to be slow to anger, not given to fits of rage and when I do get angry that I don't sin while doing so- which clearly I was since it wasn't a holy anger (it was an 'I've had it with this crap and I'm going to get you to obey by freaking you into doing so').

On the no side, it got my kids to do what I'd been trying for over an hour to do- stop the questioning/ complaining/ fighting about every single thing I (or anyone else) said or did to them.

But then there was still the rest of the day. The part where everyone else seemed to want to take their turn at having a temper tantrum. And the stupid part was, I couldn't really blame them and give them crap for it since I'd just done it myself this morning. Hm, another reason for the 'don't ever do that again' column.

So where to go from here? More sleep would probably be a good start. It's hard to deal with whiny, insubordinate children when you're tired. But I think there is more that I need to be pro-active about. Maybe I'm less incline to put up with things lately since I've realized that by not nipping this in the butt soon enough in the process has gotten me to this place- so I'm frustrated by that as well as the whining. I'm still not really sure what needs to be done and/or how to do it.

I've been toying with the idea of school/chore lists for each child every day- thereby making them responsible to get things done. And, adding to that, the amount of screen time that they'll 'earn' by completing each item without whining/complaining.

But then I wonder again if that's a lesson that I really want to teach them- get through your work so that YOU can have YOUR time? The 'I've done my work so now this is MY time to do with as I want, blah, blah, blah. I mean really, our time is really God's time- and I should be teaching my kids to wait on Him for HIS plan for their day/lives. As Christians do we ever get time off, or can there be a compromise somewhere in between the two?

All I need to know is that I have to change me first so that I can lead by example instead of be the hypocrite and doing the 'do as I say- not as I do' thing. This seems to be a constant theme in my blogs here. I guess it's like I told my husband- sometimes I think home schooling (and having kids for that matter) are more about refining the parents than what the kids will learn, lol!

Maybe next time I can pick a good day when things go well and blog then so these posts don't seem so depressing....