Pulling up blanks....

My brain feels dead. Many times this week I've been wondering why I'm doing a particular activity (and not knowing why) or thinking we've been busy (but for the life of me, I can't remember with what). Very frustrating!

The weekly reports for the most part have been quite jam packed with every minute detail that I can legitimately put in there- in hopes that I'm actually covering things that need to be covered. Some might say that if I were to be registered instead of enrolled than I wouldn't have to bother with weekly reports, but for now- I need them. I need the accountability of having to explain what I've been doing (or why things haven't been done).

Thankfully I have a system to keep track of everything- as long as I keep it up to date. As I mentioned above- if I wait a day or two, I have no clue as to what we did. It's now one of my bed-time chores. In some ways it's very therapeutic- as long as we actually did something that day. It makes me feel like my kids are learning and that I'm successfully doing my job as their teacher.

But there's something else. I'm still wonder about the character issues. I feel like we're not really getting anywhere with things- in fact, things seem to be getting worse! I don't know if the stress of reno chaos and new baby have just pushed everyone over the edge or what the deal is- I'm drawing a blank. All I know is that I'm still dealing with my issues/frustrations and the kids seem to be acting like I am! Argh!

For some reason I think I honestly believed that it was going to just fix itself because we were now homeschooling. But like another home school mom mentioned- it gets worse before it gets better! I also think our instant society breeds impatience that wants everything yesterday- only God doesn't share the same ideal. Would be nice if He did, though.

One thing is that I'm greedy- with my time, my money, my wants, etc. I want it all the way I think it should be- in short I want to be god. Thankfully that position has already been filled, which is a HUGE weight off my shoulders- but it still presents a problem for me in my obedience (or lack thereof). Needless to say, I see this same problem magnified in my children (or maybe it's just times the 4 of them that are old enough to give me attitude back).

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot again, being swept away by the raging currents of life. Struggling to come up for that fractional second- gasping for air, only to be sucked away again by the torrent of life's demands. I thought things were supposed to be different if you home schooled?

Maybe it's just like everything else- it's a choice. A choice to get up early even when I'm tired because I had a hard time falling/staying asleep. A choice to GET UP and spend real, quality time with God instead of laying in bed (insert snores in between prayers) and counting that as prayer time. A choice to daily die to selfishness and not only embrace a life of servanthood, but to do it with joy instead of drudgery. A choice to look for the good in people and situations instead of being annoyed by everything.

My brain might feel like it's dead, but it still knows what it needs to do. God knows where I'm at and He has everything I need to get through it all. A few days ago I was reminded about the yoke He gives us- and how different it is from the yokes we make for ourselves... I think the reason I'm coming up with so many blanks is because I'm trying to keep it together carrying MY self-made yoke, which doesn't work. I need to trade it in moment by moment for His yoke, for His yoke is easy and the burden is light.

So I guess if we're weighted down with the cares of this world- we need to trade in our yoke for His so that we will get the rest and refreshing we need to get His will done. Hm, definitely need to work on that....