Getting man's approval but needing God's more....

Well, it's been a crazy couple of weeks- but the portfolios are done and in for Term 2! Yahoo! And, it seems that my teacher is quite impressed with it. She even asked if they could make copies of things to give as examples for other people. My hubby joked that I wasn't going to get any marks for doing a good job- but in a way I am (and oh, does it ever feel REALLY good).

A successful portfolio means that I have taught my children many things this term and done my job towards meeting my PLO's. I feel like I am getting the hang of the school thing- but maybe more importantly I feel like a success.

But now that I think about it, is that really what this is about? I know, deep down, that it is not.

I may be able to check off a whole bunch of PLO's for the government, but what about the PLO's that God has for me and my children this year? How have I done with that? I wonder if it's something that I can really measure right now- or if it's something that only time can tell? In a way, it could almost make you feel like a failure if you can't check off a whole bunch of things- but heart training isn't a to-do list. It's a life long journey- one that we're on until we die, I guess.

Somehow, in the chaos of life right now, I need to hear from God about what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been working to fulfill my duties to people- yet have not truly sat down and had a meeting with God recently about how HE thinks I'm doing. Wonder if I would still be pleased with myself?

Maybe that's why even though I'm getting through a fair amount of material, I know that I don't always have my childrens' hearts with me (like today with my oldest). Quite frankly, I question where my heart is in all of this at times, too. I even went to far as to purchase a clock for our homeschool room that says 'Love is Patient, Love is Kind' to remind myself to be those things with my boys- patient and kind. It hasn't always worked.

As well, I have to figure out if we're going to continue homeschooling next year. I don't want to just keep homeschooling because that's what we did this year- just like I didn't want to simply keep my kids in public school because that's what I had been doing. However, I feel like I still have SO much more heart-training left to do with my children, that I can't possibly stop now.

Maybe I need to suck up a few days of nearly no sleep to reset my schedule so that I can put God first in my day (or realistically PUT Him INTO my day to begin with). I feel like every time I get on here it always comes back down to this same thing- needing to spend time with Him (but me not doing it). I know that it's something we need to always be doing- desiring more of God, I just wish that I would tear down all the distractions and push through to do it.

I was originally going to title this post 'Feeling pretty pleased with myself!', but after having written my thoughts, decided to change it to 'Getting man's approval but needing God's more....' It seemed to make more sense about describing the road this post took.  I started out over-the-top happy about how good I was doing, only to realize that I think I've been missing the mark. Oh how doth pride goeth before the fall.....

But you know what- I think even in this, God's met with me and taught me something about what He thinks about how I'm doing... The pride is gone and I've realized that I need to work more the heart (both theirs and mine). I guess like the difference between homeschooling vs public school I need to re-evaluate and redefine what spending time with God looks like for me and my family (and it doesn't look anything like what it did before I had kids!).

Thanks for the revelation, God- I don't feel nearly so bad about things even though there is so much work to do ;-)

Goodnight!