Monster Mommy = Monster Kids

Well, we're into the second week of home schooling and honestly- I could have thrown in the towel this week and sent them back to regular school (by last Monday already)!

To say that Monday (and part of Tuesday) was a complete 'monster mommy' day would have been an understatement. Kids weren't listening and I was completely frustrated with the whole process. I figured they'd never pull this kind of attitude/crap with a real teacher, so why were they tormenting me this way? Didn't they know that this was WAY easier for them than going to school for 6 hrs/day and then coming home and still having to do homework yet on top of that? Of course it came with harsh words, only for God to prick my heart with the 'how can you be a safe environment for them to make mistakes and fail while they learn when you're being like this'? Ouch!

It didn't help that my 1 1/2 & 4 yr old were climbing all over/screaming at me trying to get my attention as I was dutifully trying to home school the older two. I was about ready to run screaming from the room myself. Oh, and did I mention that my hubby had the nerve to get on my case about how I was yelling at everyone, while he sat there on the computer surfing the internet? It was like that saying, "I've got one nerve left... and you're standing on it...." kind of moment. Not fun.

So, I decided to do my best to banish 'monster mommy' on Wednesday- with some success. But you know it's one of those things, it comes back to haunt you. Case in point, my 2 older kids- they've been nagging and ragging on each other constantly lately. And my oldest is constantly yelling at everyone- hm, shall we look in the mirror to see what kind of monster I've created with my crappy attitude? How can I 'gentle' that out of him, when it's something that I'm constantly doing?

I've realized that the things that tick us off most in other people, are usually the things that God so desperately wants to rid from our own lives- but because of the log that's there (where we allow our heart to lie to ourselves), we can't see the forest through the trees. It's so easy to look at someone else's life and be able to dissect all their faults and figure out what would 'fix' them- yet how often do we even attempt that in our own lives? The bible says that the heart of a man is inherantly evil and we lie to ourselves about where we're really at because we don't want to know the truth. Only God can reveal the true state of our heart- and thereby bring about the changes that are needed to make us more like Him.

I wonder if I truly have the desire to die to myself- in order to make this year of home schooling work, because that is what it's going to take. It's not about finding the 'right' curriculum (although there is somewhat of a necessity there to actually teach my children), but rather about laying down my perfectionism about what I think this is supposed to be like and what my kids are supposed to be like (and accomplish)- and see what God wants us to become.

In order for my kids to become more like Jesus, I need to be more like Him. In thought, word, works, attitude, etc. Just like they are modelling my 'monster mommy' attitude/disposition more often than not these days (which is incredibly annoying to listen to, to say the least)- I need to become a 'Jesus mommy', so they can see what that looks like- in order for them to become that instead.

I keep thinking about how I'm going to make it through to June. I'm wondering how this will all turn out. Will I screw up my kids? Maybe they'd be better off at school rather than at home with me being frustrated?

But like someone once said, 'if momma ain't happy... than momma needs to change her attitude'. Maybe that will be my mantra for the next while.