Here goes nothing!

Well, September's finally here and I've already 'done' 2 days of homeschooling- if you could call it that ;-) I waffle between thinking that this is the greatest decision I've made in recent memory (when I wake up at 9am and think- 'man am I glad I didn't have to have kids at school already) and 'what on earth am I thinking?' (when my 22 mth old is screaming in my ear while I'm trying to explain common and proper nouns to my gr. 3 child)!

I'm trying to remember why I'm doing this- to find the strength to make it until June. Thinking that I'm just lazy for not wanting to have to get kids out of the house and to school everyday- but then realizing the tremendous amount of work that it takes to home school 2 kids, occupy 2 more kids while expecting #5! Oh, and that doesn't even begin to factor in trying to keep the house clean and laundry done (which isn't a strong point in my life to begin with).

I've had my moments (already in day 1 before I even began my first word as a 'teacher'), where I have questioned why I'm doing this and if I even can manage it all. Or if maybe having some of the kids out of the house every day might bring more harmony (i.e. absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of dribble). Yet I know deep down that's not what they need. Or what I need.

When I started thinking about home schooling (an agonizing 6 mth process- a story for another day), it was more about what I thought my kids needed in terms of their character development. I think the part that's been scaring me lately is the character development that I so desperately need- but would rather ignore.

Personally, I think more often than not I suck as a mother. My friends all then give the usual platitudes to the contrary- but they don't see me yelling at the kids and all the other stupid things I seem to constantly do when nobody else is around. I wonder how I'm going to make it through without 'killing' them or going crazy.

My person devotions have been nearly non-exsistent for quite a while- and I know it's hampering my ability to not loose my marbles. I'm not sleeping well these days, and I know that's part of the problem- but I wonder a lot about how much of that I can really use as an excuse?

I don't know if anyone will ever read this except for me- but I guess hopefully I can make some sense of things as life goes on and track how it goes here on this blog.