I've got issues!

Took my kids for a walk yesterday. I figured I'd kill 2 birds with one stone- I needed to go the bank and we needed to get in our daily requirement of exercise for home school. So, we went for a walk.

Not sure if it was real or imagined, but I swear every single car that passed us was staring at us- and in my mind I'm thinking that they're thinking 'shouldn't those kids be in school?'. I had visions of the police coming to my house to arrest me and apprehend my kids for truancy (and thinking to myself, 'I've got to get a membership in the Cdn home school defense assoc.- before something actually happens')!

I've got issues. Like I said the other day, deciding to home school was an agonizing 6 mth long process- mainly because of my hang-ups about what I thought about home schooling (the parents that did it and what their kids were like). To be honest- I was very judgmental about the whole thing. Yes, God does have a sense of humour! If you don't think so- the fact that I'm now home schooling is all the proof I need....

I've spent the past several months trying to justify to everyone else why we're doing this- and maybe also trying to convince myself that it's all going to be okay. Really, I would say, how can you screw up kids when they're only grade 1 & 3? I think deep down- I fear that I could do it on such a collossal scale as never seen before, that my kids will be ruined for life!

Oh, and then to boot- our home school teacher sent me my grade 1's student learning plan (with daily activities totally about 3 hrs per day)- and I freaked! Everyone had always said that- oh, you should be able to get their stuff done in about 1 1/2 hrs/day- so I haven't been too worried. Now, I'm worried. The 3 hrs was for 1 kid- what about the other one? I'm thinking I don't have 6 undivided hours/day to put into this! AHHHHHHHH!!?!!!?!??!

I need to take a deep breath, and eventually let it out.

I need to remember/figure out why I'm really doing this again. I really don't think there is just one reason. It's like a well cut diamond- multi-faceted and each side shines differently depending on how the light reflects/refracts on it. It's just as much about my kids and their character as it is about me and mine.

Case in point: My older 2 had a blow-up this morning over a Lego dual. As usual #2 stormed off: beat-red faced and in tears. I'm sick of it always ending like this- so voila, teachable moment (while in the back of my mind I'm seeing an IRP that I can meet in this moment- sigh.... pathetic). I call #2 back to the table and we begin to work it out as I wonder if I'm even getting through their thick skulls in any way, shape or form. The situation finally seems diffused- for the moment.

But what about the next moment? And the one after that? I wonder if I'm really up to the task of home schooling- but then again, is it really all that much different than just being an active, involved parent (something which I haven't been very good at)? Time will tell.